Godly Order
in The Family
One of the
most important if not the most important Scriptures for family is found in:
1
Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to know that the head
of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is
God.
This verse
establishes hierarchy not only as it pertains to God and Jesus, but also the
hierarchy for the entire family. In other words, it is the order of the family
starting with the man (husband father).
Man has been chosen as the head of the family and especially as the
spiritual head of the family. In
Genesis, God created women
The
Christian Home
Colossians
3:18-21
18 Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
20 Children,
obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.
21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
The subject
of hierarchy in families is sure to raise eyebrows any time it is mentioned.
One reason we are often touchy about this subject is our misunderstanding of
how God views hierarchy. In the world’s view, family hierarchy is synonymous
with domination, control, superiority, and many times wrath. But those things
are contrary to God’s ideal for the family. The world’s system ranks people or
groups according to importance and responds to them accordingly. In God’s
system, to be the greatest means we must become the servant of all (Mark
10:42–44). There should be hierarchy in Christian families, but not in the
way we might naturally enforce it.
When God
created the family, He began with one man and one woman (Genesis 1:27).
He then instructed them to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28).
When Adam and Eve sinned, God punished each of them in different ways. Part of
Eve’s punishment was that she would be driven by a desire to control her
husband, but God would place the man over her in authority (Genesis 3:16 To
the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In
pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, and
he shall rule over you.”). Although this was part of Eve’s curse, it was
also God’s way of protecting women in the future. He had created Eve different
from Adam, and, in order for them to work together in complementary ways, only
one could be in charge. Without hierarchy, we have anarchy.
Ephesians
5 picks up this
theme and elaborates on the roles of husband and wife. Paul begins the section
on family in verse 21 with “Submit to one another out of reverence
for Christ.” With that mindset in place, we are then prepared to accept the
specifics of God’s hierarchy for the family. Without a willingness to live in
mutual submission, we will easily distort and destroy the dynamic by which God
designed families to thrive.
God gave the
husband the role of servant-leader, as Jesus Christ was a servant-leader (Mark
10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to
give His life a ransom for many). The man’s responsibilities are to love
his wife sacrificially (Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her), care for her as he
would his own body (Ephesians 5:28–29 So husbands ought to
love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For
no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the
Lord does the church), live with her in an understanding way
(1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving
honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the
grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.), and bring up his
children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
God placed the full responsibility for the family health on the shoulders of
the husband. Husbands and fathers must give an account of their service to the
Lord in the way they served, led, and loved their families.
To the wife,
God gives the role of helper in the family hierarchy (Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God
said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper
comparable to him.”).
Rather than indicate subservience to the man, the word helper is also used of
the Lord: “We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield”
(Psalm 33:20; Jesus used the term Helper to describe the role of the Holy
Spirit in our lives (John 14:16 And I
will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide
with you forever—, 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will
send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance
all things that I said to you.). So, while God places the bulk of family
responsibility upon the husband, He places a lighter burden upon the wife and
instructs her to submit to her husband’s leadership, as the husband submits to
Christ in all things (Ephesians 5:22–24 Wives, submit to
your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of
the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the
body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let
the wives be to their own husbands in everything.). A wise
husband seeks his wife’s input on family decisions, but a wise wife knows when
to step back after expressing her opinion. Ideally, husband and wife are in
agreement about family decisions. But on those occasions when they don’t agree,
a wife is freed from the responsibility once she has expressed her views. She
can then trust the Lord to work on her behalf through her husband’s decisions,
right or wrong. The Lord has ways of protecting an obedient wife, despite
whatever consequences He must levy against an erring husband.
After
Christ, husband, and then wife, children are last in the family hierarchy.
Children are never to rule the roost. Parents who allow their children to run
wild, disobey, disrespect, and have their own way are demolishing God’s
hierarchy for the family. Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your
parents in the Lord, for this is right.” When parents require obedience
from their children, they are training those children how to respond to God.
God does not allow us to run wild, disobey, disrespect, and have our own way
without severe consequences. Parents can model their parenting style after the
heavenly Father and know they have the best possible example (2 Corinthians
6:18 “I will
be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, Says the Lord Almighty”).
God
instituted hierarchy in the family for our own good. Christ must always be
first and foremost, 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to know that the head
of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is
God. His Word and His example are to be the standard in a Christian home.
As husband and wife both seek the Lord together, they share the leadership role
for the home and children. When each member of the family seeks to honor his or
her role as a way of honoring God, the family flourishes and everyone’s needs
are met.
The Family
Colossians
3:18-21
18 Wives,
submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19
Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.
20
Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the
Lord.
21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
What’s Wrong
with the Family in Today’s World?
Based on my
experience in a healing ministry for 18 years, I will discuss my findings.
Godly
Order in the Family
– One of the first few questions I ask the person I am ministering to i: Who is
in charge in the family or who is making most of the decisions within the
family? Who do the children seek first? Vast
majority say the mother or a mother figure like a grandmother. This is an
immediate red flag. The mother or
grandmother have become the matriarch and they can be quite controlling. The matriarch is only partially to blame. I blame the husbands for not taking on the
responsibility God has chosen for them and that is for them to be head of the
family and especially the spiritual head of the family.
I have seen
the matriarch dynamic at work. They
don’t allow much input from the husband.
In fact, the husband chooses to take a back seat to the matriarch. Unfortunately, most of the children’s conversations
on most subjects is with the mother because they have been programed to seek
the mother first.
But the wife
is not off the hook. As with the husband,
the wife has a responsibility to know what the Bible says about Godly order in
the family and not compromise what God wants for the family.
Unloving – Unloving is tied to the father not
following God’s order which includes declaring his and God’s love to his
children. I found ninety percent of
people I minister to have never heard the words “I love you” by their father
growing up. Or if they did, they didn’t
believe them because of the way their father treated them. This includes being
absent their lives emotionally or physically. Unfortunately, the fathers were not taught the
words “I love you” from their fathers.
So, we have many past generations where fathers failed to proclaim their
love to their children and wives. This
is a generational curse and it causes many family issues as well as sicknesses
and diseases.
Because of
our failure to love our family as God loves us, an unloving spirt can enter in
many ways. Unwed/unwanted pregnancy, not ready for
children so early in marriage, disappointed in the gender, or unexpected
pregnancy to name a few. Again, we must greatly consider the generational
curse. Fathers from previous generations
have not taught their children to say “I love you.”
Along with
it comes fear throughout their lives. Fear
of not being loved, fear of not feeling worthy, fear of not being worthy to be
loved, rejection and abandonment issues.
As a person
ages, anger becomes an issue. Angry for
not being loved and not feeling loved.
Anger turns into bitterness, which leads to unforgiveness and a record
of wrongs against whomever. This can
lead to many things trying to fill the void of unloving. Primarily, addictions. Addictions in my opinion are the result of
feeling unloved. All that I have come across have more than
one addiction. Addictions can come down
the generational line as well. The are
called curses. Addictions from the
previous generations have the same roots, unloving.
Most people
that have these characteristics tend to beat up on themselves. They don’t like
what they see in the mirror or don’t like who they are. They become depressed
which is cause by anxiety/fear (Anxiety in the heart of man
causes depression). They start to get sick and diseased. They go to doctors, life coaches, therapists,
psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, and even pastors/ministry. All they do is treat the symptoms with drugs
or counseling.
The Characteristics
of the Matriarch in the Family
·
Take
Control of the children and family
·
Strong-willed
·
Failure
to heed husband’s advice or defy instruction from the husband
·
Many
times, the husband is left out in the decision-making process
·
They
are over protective of the children
·
They
coddle the children. Especially the males.
·
They
don’t allow the sons to stand on their own and make their own decisions
·
They
have difficulty giving up control of the sons when they get married.
·
They
can be jealous, envious, and critical of their son’s wife.
·
The
daughter in-law is never good enough for their son
·
They
make all the decisions for the children and even the husband
·
The
children seek the advice of the mother rather than the father
·
Many
times, the father is ignored when children and mother have conversations
·
The
wife ignores the needs of the husband
·
Many
times, the mother loves the children and pets more than the husband
·
They
will adamantly deny that their house is out of order
All this is
contrary to what is God’s order in the family should be.
The
Husbands Failure as Head of the Family
·
The
husband is mostly at blame for allowing the family to be out of order
·
Husbands
take a back seat to the wife
·
They
have given the authority and decision making to the wife
·
They
succumb to the wife as head of the family
·
They
have chosen to be silent
·
They
have distance themselves from the family
·
They
have a tendency to give up being a contributor to the family
·
They
can have low self-esteem
·
They
feel unloved or not worthy to be loved
·
They
can have depression issues
·
They
can have self-pity issues (nobody loves me or listens to me)
·
Many
times they give up trying to be a leader
This
behavior is contrary to what God wants the husband/father to be.
Headship
in Marriage
What is
required of us as husbands and as fathers and what wives and children should
expect from us. The fact of God-ordained headship is clearly stressed in
Scripture. Paul writes to the Corinthians: ‘But I would have you know, that
the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the
head of Christ is God’ (1 Cor. 11:3). To the Ephesian church he declares: ‘The
husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church’
(Eph. 5:23). Again, as spiritual
head of the family, fathers and husbands are required to love the family as God
loves us.
Godly
Headship
Godliness is
vital. We are to glorify and enjoy the Lord in everything we do. Everything
good begins with God, comes from Him, and should return to Him in praise and
thanks. Because we husbands are to be heads of our wives and families, we need
to be godly not only for our own sakes but also for theirs. An ungodly head
would be a great curse to those under him. To be godly is to be holy and God-like
God is the great Head. Headship is patterned after Him (Therefore, be
imitators of God as dear children Ephesians 5:1). Yet, God is unique as the
supreme Head from whom all authority flows. Husbands must submit to Jesus and
God and strive to bring all under their control to worship and serve Him. The
godlier the husband is the easier it should be for the wife to submit.
Biblical
Headship
The man is
not free to decide what his headship will be like. The Bible is the rule. The
husband’s authority comes not from the man’s strength or wisdom but from God’s
appointment. The practice of the headship is to be according to the Scriptures
and submitting to God. Therefore,
submit to God……James 4:7.
Loving
Headship
While
stating clearly that the ‘husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is
the head of the church’, and that ‘as the church is subject unto Christ, so let
the wives be to their own husbands in everything. The Apostle goes on to
emphasize, ‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church,
and gave himself for it’ Eph. 5:23-25. Christ who is the Head of the church
loved the church so much that He died for it. That kind of sacrificial love is
to be the pattern for husbands. It should be easy for wives to submit to
husbands who love them so much that they are willing to die for them. There is
no room here for the tyrant or oppressor. It is a gentle leadership calculated
for the benefit of the wife.
Firm
Headship
Sometimes so
much stress can be laid on the loving and gentle aspect of this leadership that
it is forgotten that it is to be real headship. The husband is to lead and the
wife to follow. He is to use the Scriptures, the Helper, and his God-given
leadership gifts to direct the family. Yes, he should value the wisdom and
advice of his wife and he should try to attain consensus as much as possible
and yet at the end of the day the man must lead.
Sacrificial
Headship
The idea
that the husband sits on his throne and orders his wife what to do is contrary
to Scripture. He should not treat his wife as a slave or kitchen-maid. He expects
his wife to perform certain chores but he must also show himself enthusiastic
in performing other chores. The best leadership is always from the front –
follow me! This means self-denial. Christ is the great example for us. Jesus loved ‘the church, and gave himself for
it’ and in the same way the husband is to love his wife and give himself for
her.
Moral
Headship
The moral
standards of the family are to be set by the husband in submission to
Scripture. The law of God is the rule and the man is to enforce it. He must
diligently study the Bible and seek to apply the Word of God to all of
life. As much as possible he must strive to set out the black and white of
Scripture and make clear what God requires (For whatever things were written
before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort
of the Scriptures might have hope Romans 15:4).
Educational
Headship
As the head
of the home the man is duty-bound to arrange for the education of his family for
both his wife and his children. Education
is a life-long occupation and one that is very important. The husband is to
encourage his wife to learn true wisdom. In educating his children the father
should make use of the talents of his wife. A mother has a special relationship
with children and is usually the primary educator especially when the children
are young. This includes sound schooling,
biblical teaching, and words of wisdom.
Disciplinary
Headship
Rules are to
be enforced and as the head of the family (But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and
your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one Mathew
5:37). Sometimes the husband has a responsibility to rebuke his wife if she
is behaving unseemly, inappropriately, or unwisely. Sin has to be corrected.
Overindulgence in worldly pleasures must be admonished. Gossip and slander
should not be tolerated. This of course must be done in private and in love.
The most effective discipline is that which is loving. It should not be done in
anger but with patience and backed up by the Word of God. Fathers are also
responsible for disciplining children. Fathers may use their wives to do this
as mothers are often best at it but the father must be there backing up the
mother.
Exemplary
Headship
The husband
should be an example of patient, humility, and holiness (But the fruit of
the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness,
faithfulness, gentleness, self-control Galatians 5:22-23). Godliness earns
respect. The fear of God and being tender are beautiful and give authority.
Hypocrisy leads to contempt. Saying one thing and doing another undermines
leadership.
Financial
Headship
A husband
should provide for his wife. The biblical pattern is that the woman bears the
children and the husband by the sweat of his work earns the bread. Sometimes
the woman can earn also without the home and the upbringing of the children
suffering, but the responsibility to provide for the family rests on the
husband. His wife may be able to help him greatly in managing the finances but
he is the one who must ensure that the family are well cared for.
Protective
Headship
There are
many dangers in life. The husband has the duty as much as is within his power
to protect his wife and children from harm. He must carefully guard them from
spiritual, mental or physical danger. When a strong man, fully armed, guards
his own palace, his goods are in peace Luke 11:21
Praying
Headship
In some ways
this is the most important headship. The husband calls on the Helper (Holy
Spirit John 14:16, 26), to pray effectively for his wife and
children and leads them in prayer. He brings them before the throne of God and
pleads for them. He seeks their souls’ salvation. He protects them by
surrounding them with effective prayer, which does not include praying for
symptoms, but looking for what caused the symptoms.
Accountable
Headship
God holds
the man responsible before Him. On the judgment day the head of the home will
have to answer to God not just for himself but also for his wife and children. Once the children get married, they must
understand Godly headship whether they were taught by their parents or not. Headship is not an option but a God-given
responsibility. Once the children get
married, their father takes a back seat as head of the family.
Response
to Headship – Review
The
Scriptures plainly state, ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands,
as unto the Lord ... As the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be
to their own husbands in everything’ Eph. 5:22, 24. This makes plain that
there is to be a willingness on the wife’s part to submit to and to follow the
leadership of her husband as much as that is possible in the Lord. The type of
obedience is a very high one – ‘as the church is subject unto Christ’. So, it
is not merely outward conforming but also from the heart. In fact, the wife is
to ‘see that she respects her husband’ (v 33 Nevertheless let each one of
you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that
she respects her husband). This reverence is made easier by the fact that
the husband is to love the wife as Christ loved the church and sacrificed
Himself for it (v 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved
the church and gave Himself for her).
Both
husbands and wives today often forget this Scriptural teaching. Husbands have a
duty to lead. Of course, they must not tyrannize their wives or provoke them to
wrath by unreasonable harshness. Peter says: Husbands, likewise, dwell with
them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and
as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be
hindered ! Peter 3:7. The wife is to be respected because she too is a
child of God, equally saved by the death of Christ and jointly a heir of
heaven. Yet there is to be a real managing of wife and children and home to the
glory of God.
So,
husbands, love your wives in a self-denying and self-sacrificing way. But also
make sure that you take your responsibility seriously and lead your wives in
the ways of God as those who will be answerable at the end of the day. Wives,
be careful that you respect your husbands and do not manipulate them or usurp
the headship which they have been given by God. Remember that you too will have
to answer to God if you do not submit to your husbands. Surely, you want the
blessing of God upon your marriage and family.
There will be no blessing if God’s directions for marriage are ignored. Tony 2-21-23
