Godly Order In The Family

 

Godly Order in The Family

One of the most important if not the most important Scriptures for family is found in:

1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

This verse establishes hierarchy not only as it pertains to God and Jesus, but also the hierarchy for the entire family. In other words, it is the order of the family starting with the man (husband father).  Man has been chosen as the head of the family and especially as the spiritual head of the family.  In Genesis, God created women

The Christian Home

Colossians 3:18-21

18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. 

20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. 

21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

The subject of hierarchy in families is sure to raise eyebrows any time it is mentioned. One reason we are often touchy about this subject is our misunderstanding of how God views hierarchy. In the world’s view, family hierarchy is synonymous with domination, control, superiority, and many times wrath. But those things are contrary to God’s ideal for the family. The world’s system ranks people or groups according to importance and responds to them accordingly. In God’s system, to be the greatest means we must become the servant of all (Mark 10:42–44). There should be hierarchy in Christian families, but not in the way we might naturally enforce it.

When God created the family, He began with one man and one woman (Genesis 1:27). He then instructed them to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). When Adam and Eve sinned, God punished each of them in different ways. Part of Eve’s punishment was that she would be driven by a desire to control her husband, but God would place the man over her in authority (Genesis 3:16 To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”). Although this was part of Eve’s curse, it was also God’s way of protecting women in the future. He had created Eve different from Adam, and, in order for them to work together in complementary ways, only one could be in charge. Without hierarchy, we have anarchy.

Ephesians 5 picks up this theme and elaborates on the roles of husband and wife. Paul begins the section on family in verse 21 with “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” With that mindset in place, we are then prepared to accept the specifics of God’s hierarchy for the family. Without a willingness to live in mutual submission, we will easily distort and destroy the dynamic by which God designed families to thrive.

God gave the husband the role of servant-leader, as Jesus Christ was a servant-leader (Mark 10:45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many). The man’s responsibilities are to love his wife sacrificially (Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her), care for her as he would his own body (Ephesians 5:28–29 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church), live with her in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.), and bring up his children in the “nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). God placed the full responsibility for the family health on the shoulders of the husband. Husbands and fathers must give an account of their service to the Lord in the way they served, led, and loved their families.

To the wife, God gives the role of helper in the family hierarchy (Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”). Rather than indicate subservience to the man, the word helper is also used of the Lord: “We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield” (Psalm 33:20; Jesus used the term Helper to describe the role of the Holy Spirit in our lives (John 14:16  And I will pray the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever—, 26 But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.). So, while God places the bulk of family responsibility upon the husband, He places a lighter burden upon the wife and instructs her to submit to her husband’s leadership, as the husband submits to Christ in all things (Ephesians 5:22–24 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.  For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.  Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.). A wise husband seeks his wife’s input on family decisions, but a wise wife knows when to step back after expressing her opinion. Ideally, husband and wife are in agreement about family decisions. But on those occasions when they don’t agree, a wife is freed from the responsibility once she has expressed her views. She can then trust the Lord to work on her behalf through her husband’s decisions, right or wrong. The Lord has ways of protecting an obedient wife, despite whatever consequences He must levy against an erring husband.

After Christ, husband, and then wife, children are last in the family hierarchy. Children are never to rule the roost. Parents who allow their children to run wild, disobey, disrespect, and have their own way are demolishing God’s hierarchy for the family. Ephesians 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” When parents require obedience from their children, they are training those children how to respond to God. God does not allow us to run wild, disobey, disrespect, and have our own way without severe consequences. Parents can model their parenting style after the heavenly Father and know they have the best possible example (2 Corinthians 6:18 “I will be a Father to you, and you shall be My sons and daughters, Says the Lord Almighty”).

God instituted hierarchy in the family for our own good. Christ must always be first and foremost, 1 Corinthians 11:3 But I want you to know that the head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God. His Word and His example are to be the standard in a Christian home. As husband and wife both seek the Lord together, they share the leadership role for the home and children. When each member of the family seeks to honor his or her role as a way of honoring God, the family flourishes and everyone’s needs are met.

The Family

Colossians 3:18-21

18 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. 

20 Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. 

21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

What’s Wrong with the Family in Today’s World?

Based on my experience in a healing ministry for 18 years, I will discuss my findings.

Godly Order in the Family – One of the first few questions I ask the person I am ministering to i: Who is in charge in the family or who is making most of the decisions within the family? Who do the children seek first?  Vast majority say the mother or a mother figure like a grandmother. This is an immediate red flag.  The mother or grandmother have become the matriarch and they can be quite controlling.  The matriarch is only partially to blame.  I blame the husbands for not taking on the responsibility God has chosen for them and that is for them to be head of the family and especially the spiritual head of the family. 

I have seen the matriarch dynamic at work.  They don’t allow much input from the husband.  In fact, the husband chooses to take a back seat to the matriarch.  Unfortunately, most of the children’s conversations on most subjects is with the mother because they have been programed to seek the mother first.

But the wife is not off the hook.  As with the husband, the wife has a responsibility to know what the Bible says about Godly order in the family and not compromise what God wants for the family.

Unloving – Unloving is tied to the father not following God’s order which includes declaring his and God’s love to his children.  I found ninety percent of people I minister to have never heard the words “I love you” by their father growing up.  Or if they did, they didn’t believe them because of the way their father treated them. This includes being absent their lives emotionally or physically.  Unfortunately, the fathers were not taught the words “I love you” from their fathers.  So, we have many past generations where fathers failed to proclaim their love to their children and wives.  This is a generational curse and it causes many family issues as well as sicknesses and diseases.   

Because of our failure to love our family as God loves us, an unloving spirt can enter in many ways.   Unwed/unwanted pregnancy, not ready for children so early in marriage, disappointed in the gender, or unexpected pregnancy to name a few. Again, we must greatly consider the generational curse.  Fathers from previous generations have not taught their children to say “I love you.”

Along with it comes fear throughout their lives.  Fear of not being loved, fear of not feeling worthy, fear of not being worthy to be loved, rejection and abandonment issues. 

As a person ages, anger becomes an issue.  Angry for not being loved and not feeling loved.  Anger turns into bitterness, which leads to unforgiveness and a record of wrongs against whomever.  This can lead to many things trying to fill the void of unloving.  Primarily, addictions.  Addictions in my opinion are the result of feeling unloved.    All that I have come across have more than one addiction.  Addictions can come down the generational line as well.  The are called curses.  Addictions from the previous generations have the same roots, unloving.

Most people that have these characteristics tend to beat up on themselves. They don’t like what they see in the mirror or don’t like who they are. They become depressed which is cause by anxiety/fear (Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression). They start to get sick and diseased.  They go to doctors, life coaches, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, and even pastors/ministry.  All they do is treat the symptoms with drugs or counseling.

The Characteristics of the Matriarch in the Family

·         Take Control of the children and family

·         Strong-willed

·         Failure to heed husband’s advice or defy instruction from the husband

·         Many times, the husband is left out in the decision-making process

·         They are over protective of the children

·         They coddle the children. Especially the males. 

·         They don’t allow the sons to stand on their own and make their own decisions

·         They have difficulty giving up control of the sons when they get married.

·         They can be jealous, envious, and critical of their son’s wife. 

·         The daughter in-law is never good enough for their son

·         They make all the decisions for the children and even the husband

·         The children seek the advice of the mother rather than the father

·         Many times, the father is ignored when children and mother have conversations

·         The wife ignores the needs of the husband

·         Many times, the mother loves the children and pets more than the husband

·         They will adamantly deny that their house is out of order

All this is contrary to what is God’s order in the family should be.

The Husbands Failure as Head of the Family

·         The husband is mostly at blame for allowing the family to be out of order

·         Husbands take a back seat to the wife

·         They have given the authority and decision making to the wife

·         They succumb to the wife as head of the family

·         They have chosen to be silent

·         They have distance themselves from the family

·         They have a tendency to give up being a contributor to the family

·         They can have low self-esteem

·         They feel unloved or not worthy to be loved

·         They can have depression issues

·         They can have self-pity issues (nobody loves me or listens to me)

·         Many times they give up trying to be a leader

This behavior is contrary to what God wants the husband/father to be.

Headship in Marriage

What is required of us as husbands and as fathers and what wives and children should expect from us. The fact of God-ordained headship is clearly stressed in Scripture. Paul writes to the Corinthians: ‘But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God’ (1 Cor. 11:3). To the Ephesian church he declares: ‘The husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church’ (Eph. 5:23).  Again, as spiritual head of the family, fathers and husbands are required to love the family as God loves us.

Godly Headship

Godliness is vital. We are to glorify and enjoy the Lord in everything we do. Everything good begins with God, comes from Him, and should return to Him in praise and thanks. Because we husbands are to be heads of our wives and families, we need to be godly not only for our own sakes but also for theirs. An ungodly head would be a great curse to those under him. To be godly is to be holy and God-like God is the great Head. Headship is patterned after Him (Therefore, be imitators of God as dear children Ephesians 5:1). Yet, God is unique as the supreme Head from whom all authority flows. Husbands must submit to Jesus and God and strive to bring all under their control to worship and serve Him. The godlier the husband is the easier it should be for the wife to submit.

Biblical Headship

The man is not free to decide what his headship will be like. The Bible is the rule. The husband’s authority comes not from the man’s strength or wisdom but from God’s appointment. The practice of the headship is to be according to the Scriptures and submitting to God.  Therefore, submit to God……James 4:7.

Loving Headship

While stating clearly that the ‘husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church’, and that ‘as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. The Apostle goes on to emphasize, ‘Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it’ Eph. 5:23-25. Christ who is the Head of the church loved the church so much that He died for it. That kind of sacrificial love is to be the pattern for husbands. It should be easy for wives to submit to husbands who love them so much that they are willing to die for them. There is no room here for the tyrant or oppressor. It is a gentle leadership calculated for the benefit of the wife.

Firm Headship

Sometimes so much stress can be laid on the loving and gentle aspect of this leadership that it is forgotten that it is to be real headship. The husband is to lead and the wife to follow. He is to use the Scriptures, the Helper, and his God-given leadership gifts to direct the family. Yes, he should value the wisdom and advice of his wife and he should try to attain consensus as much as possible and yet at the end of the day the man must lead.

Sacrificial Headship

The idea that the husband sits on his throne and orders his wife what to do is contrary to Scripture. He should not treat his wife as a slave or kitchen-maid. He expects his wife to perform certain chores but he must also show himself enthusiastic in performing other chores. The best leadership is always from the front – follow me! This means self-denial. Christ is the great example for us.  Jesus loved ‘the church, and gave himself for it’ and in the same way the husband is to love his wife and give himself for her.

Moral Headship

The moral standards of the family are to be set by the husband in submission to Scripture. The law of God is the rule and the man is to enforce it. He must diligently study the Bible and seek to apply the Word of God to all of life. As much as possible he must strive to set out the black and white of Scripture and make clear what God requires (For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope Romans 15:4).

Educational Headship

As the head of the home the man is duty-bound to arrange for the education of his family for both his wife and his children.  Education is a life-long occupation and one that is very important. The husband is to encourage his wife to learn true wisdom. In educating his children the father should make use of the talents of his wife. A mother has a special relationship with children and is usually the primary educator especially when the children are young.  This includes sound schooling, biblical teaching, and words of wisdom.

Disciplinary Headship

Rules are to be enforced and as the head of the family (But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one Mathew 5:37). Sometimes the husband has a responsibility to rebuke his wife if she is behaving unseemly, inappropriately, or unwisely. Sin has to be corrected. Overindulgence in worldly pleasures must be admonished. Gossip and slander should not be tolerated. This of course must be done in private and in love. The most effective discipline is that which is loving. It should not be done in anger but with patience and backed up by the Word of God. Fathers are also responsible for disciplining children. Fathers may use their wives to do this as mothers are often best at it but the father must be there backing up the mother.

Exemplary Headship

The husband should be an example of patient, humility, and holiness (But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control Galatians 5:22-23). Godliness earns respect. The fear of God and being tender are beautiful and give authority. Hypocrisy leads to contempt. Saying one thing and doing another undermines leadership.

Financial Headship

A husband should provide for his wife. The biblical pattern is that the woman bears the children and the husband by the sweat of his work earns the bread. Sometimes the woman can earn also without the home and the upbringing of the children suffering, but the responsibility to provide for the family rests on the husband. His wife may be able to help him greatly in managing the finances but he is the one who must ensure that the family are well cared for.

Protective Headship

There are many dangers in life. The husband has the duty as much as is within his power to protect his wife and children from harm. He must carefully guard them from spiritual, mental or physical danger. When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own palace, his goods are in peace Luke 11:21

Praying Headship

In some ways this is the most important headship. The husband calls on the Helper (Holy Spirit John 14:16, 26), to pray effectively for his wife and children and leads them in prayer. He brings them before the throne of God and pleads for them. He seeks their souls’ salvation. He protects them by surrounding them with effective prayer, which does not include praying for symptoms, but looking for what caused the symptoms.

 

Accountable Headship

God holds the man responsible before Him. On the judgment day the head of the home will have to answer to God not just for himself but also for his wife and children.  Once the children get married, they must understand Godly headship whether they were taught by their parents or not.  Headship is not an option but a God-given responsibility.  Once the children get married, their father takes a back seat as head of the family.

Response to Headship – Review

The Scriptures plainly state, ‘Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord ... As the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything’ Eph. 5:22, 24. This makes plain that there is to be a willingness on the wife’s part to submit to and to follow the leadership of her husband as much as that is possible in the Lord. The type of obedience is a very high one – ‘as the church is subject unto Christ’. So, it is not merely outward conforming but also from the heart. In fact, the wife is to ‘see that she respects her husband’ (v 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband). This reverence is made easier by the fact that the husband is to love the wife as Christ loved the church and sacrificed Himself for it (v 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her).

Both husbands and wives today often forget this Scriptural teaching. Husbands have a duty to lead. Of course, they must not tyrannize their wives or provoke them to wrath by unreasonable harshness. Peter says: Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered ! Peter 3:7. The wife is to be respected because she too is a child of God, equally saved by the death of Christ and jointly a heir of heaven. Yet there is to be a real managing of wife and children and home to the glory of God.

So, husbands, love your wives in a self-denying and self-sacrificing way. But also make sure that you take your responsibility seriously and lead your wives in the ways of God as those who will be answerable at the end of the day. Wives, be careful that you respect your husbands and do not manipulate them or usurp the headship which they have been given by God. Remember that you too will have to answer to God if you do not submit to your husbands. Surely, you want the blessing of God upon your marriage and family.  There will be no blessing if God’s directions for marriage are ignored.                                              Tony 2-21-23