Parental Rejection

Parental Rejection 1. withholding of affection from or denial of attention to one's child. That being said, nine out of ten people have either been on the receiving end or the giving end or both.

Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving (not anger or wrath) relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by a parent by abusing, neglecting and abandoning children, is child abuse. It is the child who is being violated by a parent's alienating behaviors. They did not ask or choose this abuse for themselves.  The actions of the rejecting parent are not Godly. 

When a parent chooses not to be active or is absent in a child’s life, young or old, great damage is done. Children are left to feel unworthy, unloved, rejected, and worthless due to the lack of self-esteem that comes along with being rejected by a parent.

For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition. The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented—low self-esteem, self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, substance abuse, anger, and addictions are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent. Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the rejecting parent.  They believe that the rejecting parent did not love or want them, and experience severe guilt of not being worthy to be loved as it relates to parent betrayal. Their depression is rooted in feelings of being unloved by one or both parents and being separated from them. Alienated children typically have conflicted or distant relationships with the alienating parent also, and are at high risk of becoming alienated from their own children and self.  Research reports that fully half of the respondents in the study of adult children who had experienced alienation as children were alienated from their own children. Contrary to popular belief, the effects of a father’s rejection of a child can have a more adverse effect on the child’s psychological development as rejection by the mother.  Men are the head of the family (But there is one thing I want you to know: The head of every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God, 1 Corinthians 11:3) and must show love to their children and must show the mother the same love. Three neurological studies (studies of the physical brain) suggest that parental rejection activates the same part of the brain which is activated by the experience of physical pain. Both physical and emotional are traumas and have long term effects on our physical and emotional (soul) health.

What are the long-term effects of parental rejection?

It goes without saying that both a mother’s and father’s acceptance of, and love for their child is of paramount importance in relation to the following few examples; how the child’s personality develops; their self-image; – their self-esteem; – how they learn to relate to others.

Whether intentional or not, the effect on a child who is rejected by one parent or both can be devastating. The result is often low self-esteem, chronic self-doubt, and depression.  The impact lasts well into adulthood. “How can a child expect anyone else to ever love them if even my own parents don’t love me?” How can a child love themselves if the parent does not show and teach them love?

When the caretaking is assumed by friends and relatives who explain that it’s not that their parent doesn’t love them, they just don’t know how, the children have a way to at least try to understand that the rejection isn’t personal even though it’s very, very painful and very, very personal to them. Hopefully, with good treatment and support, the parent is eventually able to once again open their heart and arms to their child. Children being children (even as adults), they are often able to forgive and accept only if love is restored

Rejection can take on many subtle forms and when it is left unattended, can wreak havoc on a person’s emotions (soul): Not hugging your child.  Not telling your child you love them.  Not showing interest in what makes your child tick. Not being a part of their life. Not saying these simple words, “I love you.”  Biting sarcasm, criticism, accusations, and judging have a profound effect on them.

Perception is reality.  This is a reality for both our children and ourselves. If we define a situation as real, it becomes real in its consequences.  If your children perceive you are rejecting them, they will believe it and suffer. It’s self-fulfilling rejection (feeling unloved). Rejection and unloving become one with the child.  It’s an awful thing that keeps a child in bondage.   If a child perceives himself rejected by her parent and family then they will inevitably have self-worth issues, self-rejection, self-hatred, and self-bitterness. If they think they have little value, they will act in a way that causes others to walk on them. They will do destructive things to themselves and others.

They won’t stand up for themselves, they won’t put themselves out there, and others will perceive this and treat them accordingly. We will all experience continuous rejection in life, and hopefully we’ll go through it in a way to make us stronger in character, but it is very difficult if we don’t receive the love we deserve.  

The unloving spirit leaves a void in their lives that children need filled.  They most often fill that void and emptiness with destructive activities such as addictions and constant fear.  The unloving spirit is a fear and it brings depression, Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression, but a food word makes it glad Proverbs 12:25.  Kind and loving words from a parent makes their heart glad and at peace. The parents Godly love will cast out all fear because God’s love has no fear (There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love 1John 4:18). Understand, it is not our love, but God’s love that we convey to our children.  Children simply want their broken heart to be healed so that they are not in fear of not being loved and rejected.

We don’t want our children to develop an identity of rejection early on that will make life harder for them and others they are associated with.  Especially, other family members like siblings and grandparents. Grandparents play a big role in a rejected child’s life when the parents do not accept the responsibility of a loving parent.  More and more, grandparents are having to stand in the gap for a rejected child. It may require the grandparents to raise the children whom the parents have abandoned. Unfortunately, the parents don’t have a clue to what sacrifices grandparents make.  They tend to ignore what the grandparents do for their kids as they live their lives separate from their kids and grandparents. The children need their parents love more than they need their grandparents, because grandparents are not their mother and father and it is difficult for the grandparents to take the place of the parent’s love.

We don’t want our children’s personalities to develop around their fear of rejection by a father,  And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord, Ephesians 6:4. Do not bring wrath into their lives, Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged Colossians 3:21. We do need to assure our children that we love them and accept them as they are. And we should assure them often with the spoken words, “I love you.” We don’t have to be perfect. We don’t have to be happy and cheerful all the time. We don’t have to never lose our temper or always have hours available for our kids. We just need to be around, emotionally available, and free with our feelings of love and praise. Parents must bring up their kids as God says: Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it Proverbs 22:6.  Train them up with God’s love.

To make our children feel accepted we simply need to purposefully talk to them, listen to them, discern what is in their hearts, take them seriously, make time for them, and be genuine and available.

No one is perfect and we don’t need to pretend to be perfect for our children. The essence of acceptance is that children feel they are loved based on their position as your child, not on their performance. Acceptance is based on your actions as parents.  There are no excuses for parents who don’t show love to their children. NONE!

Children are precious to God. God makes it clear, through the Bible, that we are to love, respect and care for children, bringing them up to become the adults God intends them to be.

Psalm 127:3-5 Behold, children are a heritage (inheritance) from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So, are the children of one’s youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, but shall speak with their enemies in the gate. This section must be taken spiritually as well as biologically in light of NT revelation.  A man’s offspring would join in his defense (character) in the city’s gate, the place disputes were addressed.

Mark 10:13-16 Then they brought little children to Him, that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked those who brought them. But when Jesus saw it, He was greatly displeased and said to them, “Let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of God. Assuredly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will by no means enter it.” And He took them up in His arms, laid His hands on them, and blessed them.

Conclusion

This teaching applies to children, parents, grandparents and past generations who failed to love their children or did not receive love from their parents. We have no other choice but to reverse this iniquity of the generations by simple showing and declaring God’s perfect love to their children, (Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children and the children’s children to the third and the fourth generation.” Exodus 34:7

We must understand what God commands us to do no matter what our parents have done to us:

Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

We can only honor a rejecting parent by forgiving them, Mark 11:25 “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.

We need to show compassion for our parents because they were not taught God’s love by their parents and their parents, parents and….  Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do” Luke 23:34.  Our parents just did not know.

May you all receive God’s perfect love through your mother and father, Tony Sanchez